knock you down.

it seems like when you actually start doing whats right that the evil one whom ever you think he is starts throwing things in your life to knock you down especially after you are actually somewhat happy. today started out good. i started class had a good time in math learned something new. but i missed one thing. i forgot to take an exam. thats the second one ive missed. i know have to drop out of the class. but why?? ive been doing so good in class im passing with a 80 percent even with the missed exams why do i have to drop a class because of something stupid like that. i dont get it it honestly epsecially since he drops two exams. but you know what i dont care. i will still learn and do the math that i love. and next semester i dont have to take his class even so i will just take 1050 and pass that not silly 900. i can do it. i know i can. just apply myself and i can do anything. espeically since now ive dropped my scholarship. why does this always happen to me though... i know we all have our own problems too but they seem to hit me the hardest at times

Lost Treasures

So their is a story i read once about this wizard who came to a very wicked kingdom. The wizard told them that unless they straigtned up that he would make everything they hid like treasures and weapons disepear. well some of the people listened and they were blessed. but others were still dirt bags and the treasure they buried at their farm they couldnt find again. they would place something on the table and it would dissapeear. it got to the point they slept with things in their hands.
      so youre probably wondering why are you telling us this story well i feel like that is happening to me. When im doing whats right i feel like the treasures i have are still around me. for example freinds and people that care about me. but i noticed as i began slippin back into former habits and addictions that i began to loose those. i was loosing my treasures.  It honestly scared me really bad when i found that out but i am changing that. i am doing better being nicer helping out. i am giving up my old habits once and for all. im glad that i am finally able to change and become better. it will take work but hey we will see how it goes.

you attract who you are.

So ive noticed in my life i never really attract the beautiful girls that my roommates are always with. well thats because you attract the people that are like you. I am a worthless ugly nasty depressed shit head... well thats who i attract. thats who i am. and im trying to fix it. I really am. but its hard when you keep getting pushed down and thrown under the bus by your so called "freinds" they are kinda two faced. they tell you they will be their for you but then leave the second you need them. i guess im not meant to be happy or loved by somoene real its ok. i guess. im done rant over.

Its official i am ugly

Well lets see im sitting here alone on homecoming. alone like usual. what is my problem. all i do is sit here sad. last night my two roommates went out to shoot rabbits and they had a couple girls that they were gunna with them. at the last minute they invited me and i said yeah sure why not. i get dressed and go. but they dont have ammo or a flashlight. so low and behold mr nice guy who does anything and everything for anyone. well at the end of shooting we go to mcdonalds. standing back from the group i could tell that i wasnt needed there. i was the 5th wheel. the ugly fat fifth wheel. im not good enough for anyone. or anything. people usually leave. by usually i mean always... so i walk home while walking i get calls from my roommates and snap chats. but i dont answer. they dont need to know what im going through. how i know that no one will trully wants to be with me or around me. oh well. let see. people recently stopped talking to me. i dunno what i need to do. i can start with getting control of my addiction. i can do this. i need to do this. i feel like if i start working out again i can get a handle on my addiction and it will help me to get over the fact that im fat... oh well.

do i really need to be happy??

So let me throw down a little scenario for yall... I was out with all my roommates shooting guns having a good time just really hanging out when it hit me. I thought back to her. the girl that i recently fell for hard but she doesnt feel the same way freindzoned like usual. the thought literally lasted maybe 5 seconds but that was enough. I took my gun apart and sat there i didnt walk out to the targets with the rest of the guys to see the targets we were shooting. i pulled my sunglasses down to cover my eyes and the tears that were starting to form. why was i crying. why was i so sad. i pushed her out of my mind but it didnt matter. i let the depression in and tats all it took. i was silent the rest of the day. I had no reason to be sad at all but there i was listening to my sad music pushing everyone out of my life like i usually do

        The thought entered my mind: do i really need to be happy. looking around i was quite content where i was. i couldnt be hurt by anyone i couldnt hurt anyone i was alone just me and my music. So thats what i did for a few days. yesterday my roommates decided to intervene. they made me go play ping pong with them at our appartments club house. i opened up and actually had fun. i laughed and smiled for the first time in a while. looking back as i type this i missed out on quite a bit of fun things i could have done.  I missed out on so so much because i isolated myself i was alone.

       The answer to my question earlier is yes. yes you need to be happy. life is meant to be lived with happiness. yes my life honestly sucks. im still single probably always will be. i dont have many friends. my family doesnt care that much about me. but i still have this blog. i still have people that i know i can reach somehow through this thing. being happy or atleast positive knowing that life can and will get better if we try. Key word right there try. go and do it. make your life happy despite of all the sadness and misery around you.

been a while but im back

Today has been kind of  a weird day i'm not going to lie. i woke up on time and everything but my room mate Santiago he woke up late and missed his math class i feel kinda bad for him but only kind of... anyway i had a math test this morning or so i thought. no it was yesterday.... well crap but i did get to take my biology test which was a lot better than i thought it was. So something about me is i get attached to people fairly easy. like with a girl if she shows interest than i will show interest back and what usually happens is they find out I have dysthymia and then they leave. why do they always do that. i don;t think i will ever know. but oh well. so my realization i had this morning is really cool. so i met this girl that we both really like each other but its just early in the school year and she is new to the school. so she doesn't want to get tied down yet. which makes sense... so i thought ok i will wait for her. like continue to go on dates continue to hang out but not as much and wait till she is ready for something... well today i realized she isn't going to "wait" for you she is going to go out and date other guys but she still will like you. so i'm going to go out and date too i shouldn't have to suffer and watch her go out and have fun. i can have fun to and who knows i may find someone better. it will help my mental illness to just going out and having a good time rather than sit in my room and wait and worry. thats my call to action for everyone who is reading this silly blog. don't just sit and wait go and do and you will see your life start to happen and good things come to you.

Day 1 back story

So lets start from the beginning. I have something called dysthymia or simply long term depression and anxiety. It all started when i was little i would have to say 10 my best freind had moved and i was alone... i had no friends. i simply existed.. i tried to make freinds but nothing would happen. So i took my brothers knife... it was a red and white knife he got from working at the department. it was really sharp. i was ready to leave this world so i held it to my throat. but i couldn't do it.  there was several times through out my life that i wanted to die. get extremely close but couldnt follow through... the latest one was last week. hiking with my best friend there was a bridge with no rails across this crazy fast river i just sat there and stared at the water wishing i could just fall and end everything...
dysthymia isnt just a bad day or a bad month. its a bad life time. it never goes away... EVER period. it leads to other problems. for me it has led to self harm and cutting. its been a week since i cut. but ive wanted to everyday. i wish i could just cut but i know its not good. there is only one thing to do and that is learn to combat it when its rough... i started my combat last tuesday. I attended theropy for the first time. It made things worse at first but i know things will get better.. i know i can combat this.. it will just take time. i will keep you all posted...