To love and lose

between the last post and now my wife left me. She didn't know how to help me when i would slip into a deeper than normal depression cycles. She loved her parents more than she loved me. I know many people who suffer with depression or dysthymia or any other mental health disorder understands the desire to just not exist anymore. We don't want to kill ourselves we just wish we could fade out of existence. I don't want my family or friends to have to suffer through my funeral and not having me around but i feel at times that it would have been better if i just didn't exist. i have made mistakes and have hurt people. I read in a book about how tempting it was for the author to put a gallon of whiskey in her backpack and hike out into the woods with bears and just drink her pain away and be passed out by the time a bear got to her. I want help but its almost midnight. and i don't want to bother people especially my family. Im 25 i shouldn't need help i should be able to do this myself.

Why I do what i do.

Something that has helped me a lot in life when i was struggling the most was making movies. VLogs actually. Showing my life and what i did everyday helped me to stay positive and to actually be happy. Workin on and editing these vlog episodes made me smile and grow. but then i got a job where i couldnt vlog anymore. because of how much i worked and who i worked for i couldnt upload things to youtube. well i have been done with work for a two months now. and i havent started filming again. I need to start again. i want to but i just cant find the drive to start filming again. So im going back to why i started filming in the first place and who it was that got me started.

how far I have come

I like to take a look at where i was a year ago. I was going to school. i had met a few pretty girls but alas they all broke my heart. I was living in an apartment with some pretty cool roommates i was getting ready to go to some awesome concerts. i was still super sad because of getting my heart broken.

Now where am i at?? well i am married. sitting in my kitchen watching movies i made in the past. movies i made last year when i was really sad. it makes me feel the need to start filming again.
I havent had a really sad depressing day in quite a long time. that is always a plus!!! i love my life at the moment. i just need to film more netflix less

knock you down.

it seems like when you actually start doing whats right that the evil one whom ever you think he is starts throwing things in your life to knock you down especially after you are actually somewhat happy. today started out good. i started class had a good time in math learned something new. but i missed one thing. i forgot to take an exam. thats the second one ive missed. i know have to drop out of the class. but why?? ive been doing so good in class im passing with a 80 percent even with the missed exams why do i have to drop a class because of something stupid like that. i dont get it it honestly epsecially since he drops two exams. but you know what i dont care. i will still learn and do the math that i love. and next semester i dont have to take his class even so i will just take 1050 and pass that not silly 900. i can do it. i know i can. just apply myself and i can do anything. espeically since now ive dropped my scholarship. why does this always happen to me though... i know we all have our own problems too but they seem to hit me the hardest at times

Lost Treasures

So their is a story i read once about this wizard who came to a very wicked kingdom. The wizard told them that unless they straigtned up that he would make everything they hid like treasures and weapons disepear. well some of the people listened and they were blessed. but others were still dirt bags and the treasure they buried at their farm they couldnt find again. they would place something on the table and it would dissapeear. it got to the point they slept with things in their hands.
      so youre probably wondering why are you telling us this story well i feel like that is happening to me. When im doing whats right i feel like the treasures i have are still around me. for example freinds and people that care about me. but i noticed as i began slippin back into former habits and addictions that i began to loose those. i was loosing my treasures.  It honestly scared me really bad when i found that out but i am changing that. i am doing better being nicer helping out. i am giving up my old habits once and for all. im glad that i am finally able to change and become better. it will take work but hey we will see how it goes.

you attract who you are.

So ive noticed in my life i never really attract the beautiful girls that my roommates are always with. well thats because you attract the people that are like you. I am a worthless ugly nasty depressed shit head... well thats who i attract. thats who i am. and im trying to fix it. I really am. but its hard when you keep getting pushed down and thrown under the bus by your so called "freinds" they are kinda two faced. they tell you they will be their for you but then leave the second you need them. i guess im not meant to be happy or loved by somoene real its ok. i guess. im done rant over.

Its official i am ugly

Well lets see im sitting here alone on homecoming. alone like usual. what is my problem. all i do is sit here sad. last night my two roommates went out to shoot rabbits and they had a couple girls that they were gunna with them. at the last minute they invited me and i said yeah sure why not. i get dressed and go. but they dont have ammo or a flashlight. so low and behold mr nice guy who does anything and everything for anyone. well at the end of shooting we go to mcdonalds. standing back from the group i could tell that i wasnt needed there. i was the 5th wheel. the ugly fat fifth wheel. im not good enough for anyone. or anything. people usually leave. by usually i mean always... so i walk home while walking i get calls from my roommates and snap chats. but i dont answer. they dont need to know what im going through. how i know that no one will trully wants to be with me or around me. oh well. let see. people recently stopped talking to me. i dunno what i need to do. i can start with getting control of my addiction. i can do this. i need to do this. i feel like if i start working out again i can get a handle on my addiction and it will help me to get over the fact that im fat... oh well.