To love and lose

between the last post and now my wife left me. She didn't know how to help me when i would slip into a deeper than normal depression cycles. She loved her parents more than she loved me. I know many people who suffer with depression or dysthymia or any other mental health disorder understands the desire to just not exist anymore. We don't want to kill ourselves we just wish we could fade out of existence. I don't want my family or friends to have to suffer through my funeral and not having me around but i feel at times that it would have been better if i just didn't exist. i have made mistakes and have hurt people. I read in a book about how tempting it was for the author to put a gallon of whiskey in her backpack and hike out into the woods with bears and just drink her pain away and be passed out by the time a bear got to her. I want help but its almost midnight. and i don't want to bother people especially my family. Im 25 i shouldn't need help i should be able to do this myself.