So lets start from the beginning. I have something called dysthymia or simply long term depression and anxiety. It all started when i was little i would have to say 10 my best freind had moved and i was alone... i had no friends. i simply existed.. i tried to make freinds but nothing would happen. So i took my brothers knife... it was a red and white knife he got from working at the department. it was really sharp. i was ready to leave this world so i held it to my throat. but i couldn't do it. there was several times through out my life that i wanted to die. get extremely close but couldnt follow through... the latest one was last week. hiking with my best friend there was a bridge with no rails across this crazy fast river i just sat there and stared at the water wishing i could just fall and end everything...
dysthymia isnt just a bad day or a bad month. its a bad life time. it never goes away... EVER period. it leads to other problems. for me it has led to self harm and cutting. its been a week since i cut. but ive wanted to everyday. i wish i could just cut but i know its not good. there is only one thing to do and that is learn to combat it when its rough... i started my combat last tuesday. I attended theropy for the first time. It made things worse at first but i know things will get better.. i know i can combat this.. it will just take time. i will keep you all posted...
